SheRantz

navigating in new waters

I am not sure who is feeling more awkward in this new relationship - me or my parents. I think my father may actually be listening to me. That may very well be the first time in my life he has taken the time to pay attention.

I hope he does heed my advice - I haven’t yet got my all my ducks in a row re: his finances and I know that once I do I will be able to help him produce the income he needs. He is SO bad with money. It slips through his fingers like a vapor - before it can even become water!

The difference is that I am no longer waiting for him to acknowledge me, nor am I expecting him to change. A tricky river to paddle down.

Don’t worry, I am wearing my life vest: trust in myself. It’s invaluable.

taking it on

People say I look good, I seem like I’ve got it all under control, haven’t let the craziness take me over. I guess I am lucky that I can carry that display - but really, when push comes to shove, what choice is there? I spent 40 years paralyzed by the stress of living in my own skin. My mother dying, yes, horrific, but also not terribly uncommon. My father squandering everything he worked the last 60 some-odd years for, not so uncommon either. Parents that are aging and incapable beyond their recognition and hovering in alternate states of denial and depression about it, also, unremarkable.

SO this is life. Those are the sad and painful bits that intersplice with my everyday this and that. I choose to keep walking and hope that I can continue to feel safe in my world. Historically I haven’t been able to be a whole person when within spitting distance of my parents, not so anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t find it difficult to deal with them. Just that I know it isn’t about me, doesn’t define me. It makes it easier to shake off.

Meanwhile, I am eager and anxious for change. I want them to wake up and do the right thing - honor my inheritance and not squander it or give it to the government. No - I’m not holding my breath! As if.

I now take myself to task on the personal front, what do I want? what can I do now to get it? what can I do now to make tomorrow the prettier place I want it to be?

Have you thought about that? what potential does this minute hold for you? for your future?

I am open to the possibilities and wonder that the universe has in store for me, and accept that my happiness may come in the form of a life I can’t even fathom from this vantage point.

Bring it on!

dream a little will ya!

You can’t always plan for what’s coming. Sometimes, on one of those good days, life sends up something that in the far reaches of your brain you could never even conceive of. So why dream small and accept what is in front of me? I hereby open myself to whatever goodness the universe deems is mine. I am happy and grateful to receive the generosity of the energies that surround me and promise to acknowledge the beauty of the world with undying wonder and appreciation.

What’s the point of spending time on the crappy stuff? Why do so many of us insist that the crap weighs more than the joy? Time for better perspectives people!

I need a nap

I am looking forward to the longer days and brighter evenings soon to come. One thing about getting older, you know that the next season is really a blink away. In no time at all I will be shedding my overcoats and bolting the house without a scarf or gloves. It will start slowly, like this week, we had one beautiful day where it hit 60 degrees…then it was back to freezing. But in another week or so there will be two days that shine upon our Spring-full eyes and skin and so it will go until suddenly we can’t imagine why we have so many cashmere sweaters clogging up our drawers and closets.

Can’t wait!

Meanwhile I will dither away my days with things like work and family and drowning in the written word.

hbd momma!

how far do you go for a mother you love and yet haven’t spoken to much in the last several years? well, if she’s dying of cancer, you go pretty far. A morning spent whipping up a lemon meringue pie, her favorite. An evening of champagne amongst a small handful of friends, an evening which I arranged.

Mixed feelings don’t even begin to cover it. Thing is, I do love her, and when she is gone I will miss her. I will laugh at the things she would have appreciated and cry at the things she could never understand.

When all is said and done, we all should live like it’s our last day on earth, and celebrate like it’s our last birthday.

Lesson learned; now I will endeavor to live it!

free time and some food notes

How often does a day appear on your schedule that is just free? Not to say that you don’t have a long list of to-do’s to take, because of course, I do as well, but a day where if you don’t take a shower until 3p it isn’t a crisis. Today is that day.

I have leftover Sripraphai in the fridge for lunch, a sleeping dog on the sofa and mountain of paper to get through. I am happy as a clam, sitting here in my sweats (you’ll never see them, I promise they don’t leave the house!).

Take note: Sripraphai in Queens (yes! I left Manhattan for an outer borough meal!) is not only easy to get to (20 minutes on the train), but well worth the trip. The food is varied so there is something for the Pad Thai pedestrian as well as the adventurous Pickled BBQ Pork person…and if you don’t like spicy just ask them for it not to be and it will be as bland as you like. Made that mistake on a dish and it was good but had no bite at all! Took home some desserts and they were fab. Some say the desserts are too sweet, but there is a reason for that - most Thai eat quite spicy food for the main meal so the desserts are creamy and sweet to kill the fire on your palate.

Also did a drive by at Peacefood on the Upper West Side for vegan yummies…fantastic chocolate mint whoopie pies! Can’t wait to go sit and find out what they’re serving on the savory side of things!

Ok back to work!

Southampton Writers Conference Day One/Two

A great experience so far. At first it felt like being back in college, freshman year, day one. Walking in to a group of over 100 people, all strangers to me. As I entered the room last night, I was sure I should turn around and run. But I took a deep breath and just plowed right on in. Gratefully I had met two people when I registered earlier in the day - of course, they weren’t in my eye-line when I got there. But I am good as swallowing my Shy so I just started talking to the first person I found myself standing next to. Jason, a poet, bohemian disposition, a bit shy, but smart and deep. The great introductory question is “what workshop are you taking?” just like in college when we used to ask, “what’s your major?” It also helps that we all have badges with our names on them hanging from our necks.

The food is mediocre, as expected. Though long-timers are raving so apparently it really really sucked before. I’ll deal. Start carrying little Tupperware around with me. Who am I!?

Last night was orientation and intro to the event. We had a reading - no Lorrie Moore because she is sick with a summer flu in Madison, WI - but the workshop leaders all read some work and that was great. Then a little social meet & greet. I am amazed at how many people I have met so far between last night and this moment…Joan, Sven, Jackie, Nancy, Ruth, Barbara, Lucinda, Lesley, Eric, Megan, Vanessa,Rafael, Phebe, Elena, Rachel, Chris, Lydia, Melissa, Shannon, Julie, Adrienne…and I am sure at least a handful of others whose names I can’t recall.

First class was interesting…Melissa intro’d herself as unorganized and neurotic and said she doesn’t think you can really teach writing…a great start! But it was, it evened the playing field and now we can all get to work. We did writing in class - amazing how used to a computer I am that my hand nearly cramped writing longhand! sheesh! We have two short homework assignments for Saturday. When are we supposed to write! They have a full schedule to be sure.

Met Mark Doty today - for the second time. He was in a reading/lecture with Kaylie Jones and Roger Rosenblatt and Elena Gorokhova…great material on memoir.

Seems like there are seeds of info and magic in so many places here. In brief conversations with strangers as much as in classes meant to impart such things.

Tonight after dinner another reading them open mic night…because of Sven I will be reading something…oy!

More tomorrow.

I’m talking, are you listening?

It seems that I always have something to talk about but the conversation is happening in my head instead of coming out of my mouth or even typing fingertips. Or so says my wife. She says she doesn’t think I worry about anything because I appear so composed, my exterior belying nothing. Not to say that I am taciturn, by no means is that true! But apparently I can chat rather fluidly about many things, just not the worries that fly around my brain cave. In this way, my wife and are SO different. She has many thoughts and speaks most of them, well many of them anyway.

It is surreal when I am told that I am not sharing, because I FEEL like I am constantly going on about what ails me, that I wish we had a new place to live, that I am not sure I really want to keep working with my therapist, that I am concerned about the $$ we haven’t saved and that we owe, that I am not writing enough, that I can’t figure out a new way to bring in some income, that I’d like some new friends and to get passionate about something in the world other than my narcissistic need to figure myself out. Has this really all escaped my listening public?

And when I am picking my cuticles, or eating yet another piece of chocolate, or waking up at 2 a.m. night after night, isn’t that saying something? Hmmmmm.

Last night, lying in bed, I said I am worried about money. It was like news to her. As I ponder it, I realize now that it isn’t that I don’t ever say anything - the problem lies in a combination of delivery (i.e., using actual words and not deriding them before they make it out of your mouth) and making sure the listener is actually listening. In other words, making a joke about how we are doomed to live in this rent-stabilized paradise forever while cooking dinner and feeding the dogs, ISN’T going get anyone to realize that deep down I am mortified about this prospect. Alas, the psychic component of my relationships is not at full throttle and so I must actually elucidate.

Sigh.

Dear reader, if you find yourself wondering why no one understands you…if you can’t figure out why no one is supporting you during a tough time…make sure you are telling the people you need that you need them! Most of us are very busy surviving our own circumstances and just need a little knock on our cognitive door to move some attention to your agenda. It isn’t that they don’t care, it’s that they forgot for a moment that they do.

Is it too late for a resolution? I hereby intend to speak my mind, even when I think I am being redundant, even when I think I’ve said it all before. And perhaps, I might not feel quite so misunderstood, and perhaps, my wife and friends might feel needed and appreciated. Wouldn’t that be something?

inspiration agenda

I was but a lass of 41 when I woke up and realized that, holy crap, all this time (12 years!) I was married to my wife, my actual primary emotional relationship was to my terribly damaged parents. Did I mention that my father is an 84 y.o. Jewish, Freudian psychoanalyst? Yeah. Oh and that my mother is a she’ll-kill-me-if-I-tell-you-how-old Catholic from Colombia? Mhmm. Realizing that I had been trained to care more about their needs than my own - this was not a cheerful moment. No wonder my wife was ready to throttle me. SO, I got rid of the bong, my long-time numbing companion, and went about the business of becoming present.

I’ve spent the better part of the last two years with my head deeply up my own figurative ass. There was an amazingly large amount of crap I had been swallowing for an amazingly long period of time! I firmly contend that my narcissistic voyage was truly necessary: I would no longer allow my unconscious to let my parents drive my car. Thanks to major amounts of therapy (which now comes in 45-minute installments, fyi for those who haven’t been in the last decade). I  have also been using acupuncture, cranio-sacral therapy (yes, people, it works, it isn’t a bunch of hooey), books and writing. I tried yoga (it didn’t stick). I even gave up sugar, gluten and dairy products - I was serious!

Now I can actually answer the question, what do you want for dinner? I no longer reply, I don’t know, what do you want? People, this is major progress!

But the tougher question, the thing I most want the answer to is, what do I want to do with my life? Starting now. If each moment is truly an opportunity for something to begin, and since I am no longer running from or towards the expectations of others, and because I happen to be someone who gives a shit about the world I live in, and given that I have much to offer said world - what will my contribution look like?

I have filled my existential angst quota for this lifetime. And frankly, I don’t think another 5, 50 or 500 hours of therapy is going to make the difference I can make if I merely own my power, right here, right now. No more excuses.

I spent a several hours today with a handful of women who have their heads propped up with a damned good view of our world - and, people, I am inspired.

Adventures in life-living

Now that I am older and wiser I am ready to embark on the new life that I am creating in my imagination…they say you have to dream it to make it happen so here I go!

This time next year I can only imagine what my life will look like…a new apartment, twenty pounds thinner, healthy dogs, happy wife, a happy pink colon, a full bank acct, no more zits and a play in the works. Whew! Add 8 hours a night on my pillow to that!